Many times the attraction starts because of some needs that the person has that he or she feels are not being met. Sometimes certain traits draw them to someone. A good example of this happens in the movie called “Fresh Horses”, with Molly Ringwald and Andrew McCarthy. Molly plays a sort of dumb, beautiful, charismatic blonde, who is a high school dropout. She even talks in a needy, “feel sorry for me”way. She comes from an abusive background. Andrew, on the other hand, comes from a well educated, polished type of environment. He is still in college and seemingly his life is in order. He is about to marry into an upwardly mobile family. He stumbles into Molly’s life quite by accident and falls immediately in love.
Common sense tells you that this relationship is on a collision course. But the differences themselves in these two people seem to be the attraction.This couple is in phase I of love called the eros. This stage has to do with passion. This, of course, has everything to do with sexual feelings. Deep, strong yearnings are seen in this stage. It is here that the person has the mystical look, the star-struck gaze, and the twinkle in the eye.
It is interesting that we ridicule those in this stage, but many times I believe that this is because we envy this person and secretly wish it were us. Why do so many of us love movies about this? We long for the unpredictability and excitement that being in love brings with it.We are crazy to some extent in this stage. Sometimes there is an imbalance of power seen here. We give up power and lots of it if this relationship is one-sided. Submission to the other person is given willingly and totally. The Percy Sledge song of the 70s, “When a Man Loves a Woman” so aptly depicts this. The song states that “when a man loves a woman, he can’t keep his mind on nothing else.” He would give ups his comfort and sleep out in the rain if that’s what she asked.
The point is that the in-love person will do almost anything many times even placing himself in danger in order to capture or attempt to capture the lover. Money and time become meaningless.
If we are married and this is an illicit affair, why do we do it? It is to force a change in the relationship, to prove that there is still someone who desires us, to relieve boredom in the cold, impersonal, mundane world, or we might be doing it for revenge because someone has stepped out on us.
Maybe we feel that there is a perfect love somewhere out there for us. Sometimes people do it because they feel that their sex like has gone to pot or that they have some kind of ax to grind with their spouse.
Or just maybe they do it because they feel time is running out on them.The eros stage will usually burn itself out in a few months and the relationship will end altogether or it will enter the second stage or face of love. This is the agape stage. This area has little to do with passion and everything to do with commitment. The couple becomes deeply bonded. Usually this happens because they have common ground. Their goals and interests tend to be similar. One feels security, devotion, and companionship in this stage. It is sad that though the agape stage is more rational, safe, mature side of love, it is also the boring, mundane, and unstimulating side.
The eros side is the most fun side and stimulating, and the part that makes us feels as if we are in the clouds and really alive. We can’t have both at the same time. How many times we’ve heard people say that their marriage is dull, boring, unexciting and uninteresting. It is for this reason that most married people have affairs, I believe. The sparkle or thrill is gone.
With these thoughts in mind, the next time that we encounter the deeply in love person, let’s not be so judgemental and skeptical. Realizing what is happening to us when we are in love certainly can be enlightening, but because of losing our objectivity especially during the eros stage, we are still incapacitated mentally. Out of control: We are. But to anyone, who has or is experiencing it, it feels good.
Falling in love is part of the human connection. I believe it is what keeps us alive.
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